A Look Inside My Head.

Friday, December 18, 2009,

It's only a matter of time until you start feeling replaced....and when that happens, there really is no turning back unfortunately.

12:26 AM

Friday, November 13, 2009,

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...DON'T YOU THINK?

Yeah so I've pretty much devoted all my time and 'blogging' to tumblr lol. But I haven't completely forgotten about this. This is where I come if I need to vent about something if I can't do it anywhere else. There's probably going to be a lot of tense change here, but whatever. This isn't my english homework so I could care less. Sorry if it gets a little confusing.

But anywho, just an update on what's been happening. Things are still pretty awkward with that whole situation. I had someone ask me on Sunday how my friend was doing, and all I could reply was "I don't know. Ask her boyfriend." Because that's what it feels like things have come down to. We literally only talk now probably once-ish or twice a week, and I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation. And when I do, it only lasts for about 5 or 10 minutes...but then she always says how it seems like we haven't talked in forever. Oh...I wonder why?

We were supposed to go to a concert later this month, and I was really looking forward to it because it's one of my favorite artists and I've never seen them live before. We talked about how much ticket prices were and how to get to the venue and everything. But then whenever I would ask when we're going to buy the tickets you never give me a straight answer. I even asked you if you really did want to go just to make sure, and of course you said yes.

I asked you one final time a couple weeks ago when we are going to buy the tickets since the date keeps getting closer and closer and we need to figure out our plan. What do you do? You ask me what date the show is as though you didn't know. So I tell you, and you make up your face. You tell me that's the day he's flying back into town and you have to pick him and his brother up from the airport. No. That's not going to work. We've been talking about this way too long and I've gotten way too hyped for you to say something like that. And then you say that it wasn't even set in stone?! Oh right, I forgot. Things are always subject to change when it comes to him. You guys thought I was joking when I said I was unfollowing you from Twitter and whatnot. I was only half joking. I unfollowed him a long time ago.

Crap. I'm getting mad again just thinking about it. Whatever. You say that you have to go pick him up and bring him home. I'm sorry...I thought that's what his mother is for. Because I know she's going to take her day off work to be with them. So why not let her pick them up? You're going to have the whole winter break to be with him and hang out with him. One day isn't going to hurt you. You tell me you have to pick him up, and you're not going to make any promises, but you're going to try and get to the concert. Whatever. You KNOW that you can't do both. Just give me a straight up answer and don't leave me hanging here. It's going to be impossible to do both things because his house and the venue are two completely different directions.

So thanks, once again for replacing me with your boyfriend. I really do appreciate it. It feels like something the best friend in the world would do. And now, thank you so much for almost ruining my favorite music. Even though I'm listening to them right now, I can't fully enjoy it knowing that I had the chance of seeing them in concert, but because of foolishness I can't anymore. I really hope you're happy. They're pretty much at the same level as Jonas for us...so you know that's big. But I guess you'll never fully understand.

Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Just to let you know...whatever little bricks you might have torn down from this wall are being put back up one day at a time. And once they're all up...it'll be even harder to break them down the second time. So good luck with that.

On a more positive note though, I finally got a job. :) I've been looking for one forever and I finally got one. It's a seasonal position at the moment, but I've been doing really well and I think they're going to ask me to be a part of the regular staff after the season. So I hope that happens :D

There's this guy who works there as security who's pretty cool. I'm not sure exactly how old he is, but he's probably just a couple years older than me. Well anyway...we've been sort of flirting a lot lately. However, I'm trying my hardest not to like him. I don't like having crushes on people. I don't really know how to explain why, but I just don't. While the feeling of butterflies in your stomach is good, I just...I don't know. I don't want them. Nothing good ever happens when I end up liking someone. I guess I've just been let down too many times. I haven't liked anybody ~like that for a couple years now, so this all just feels weird again. Out of curiosity today I looked to see if he had a facebook, and I found it. When I did my heart actually skipped a beat. -___- lol.

Whenever we talk to each other at work it's hard for me to not smile. And I'm usually good with quick, sarcastic comments when someone says something to me, but in this case it seems like the words just don't want to come out. Boys are stupid ahaha.

Anyway.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to write about every single thing that's been up because it would take forever, and I'm pretty sure this is already insanely long and boring already. So I'll just finish up by saying that I'm being overwhelmed with school and homework and I really can't wait for it to be over. I'm actually supposed to be doing homework right now, but of course that never goes as planned. I've also been feeling really alone lately. I mean, I barely talk to my best friend anymore, and it seems like barely anyone else anymore either. So I've just been really....sdljhfgsaliygf depressed I guess you can say.

And today is supposed to be To Write Love On Her Arms day...even though I've lost track of how long it's been since I last hurt myself, I do think about it almost every day and today is no different.

Well. I guess that's it for now.

12:47 PM

Monday, September 7, 2009,

BECAUSE I'LL PROBABLY NEVER SAY IT FOR REAL

...and it's not good to keep holding stuff in. I have to put this somewhere, and it can't go on Tumblr.

I hate that we never talk anymore. All you do is talk to him...who a lot of people don't really like that you go out with. It's like how you said you feel about Sel and Nick. I love you both...but just not together. I think things just went a little too fast.

Whenever someone came to me about you two I always stuck up for you and always told them that nothing serious was going to happen...because that's what you kept telling me. I mean you could have said something. Anything. You could have said that things were starting to get serious. You could have said you were thinking about making things official. There were SO many opportunities because SO many people asked me about yall, and I told you about it every single time. And your response was always the same. "It's just a crush. Nothing's going to happen. People need to get over it and leave us alone."

Oh? Well it seems like things have happened. And they've happened quite rapidly. We're supposed to be "biffles." Meaning we tell each other stuff that's important. Like you know...this. So how was I supposed to feel when I find out from him that you've decided to make things official. Especially at the oh-so-perfect timing of when you couldn't tell me yourself? Things like this can't just happen automatically, so you had to have some kind of feeling that it was going to happen. I wish you would have just told me. Given me a heads up so it wouldn't have come as such a shock. Because now, I don't know how I feel.

Now, I get kind of annoyed every time I see yet another tweet or status update having to do with you guys. I actually unfollowed him. I still love him and everything, but just...no. It's like you're ALWAYS talking to each other. I get it. It's a new, long distance relationship. Cool. Whatever. But I mean...you can reply to texts from other people too you know? It's not gonna hurt you or take anymore time away from your precious other half. When people ask me about you now and stuff, it's hard for me to reply to them with a smile. Every time they bring you two up it's obvious that I'm not cool with it.

If you can't see that something obviously isn't right then I don't know how to help you. I mean other people have noticed. Everything just seems awkward now, and I don't like it. I told you like a week ago that I needed to talk to you, but you were busy talking to him so it had to wait. A week. And you haven't asked me about it again. Something is very wrong with this picture. I've talked to friends I met ONLINE more than I've talked to you. Your FAMILY members more than I've talked to you. That's kind of a red flag right there don't you think?

Whatevs. I'm just gonna hope that this is some kind of phase and it'll go away quickly because I hope we don't start drifting apart. I kind of need you and stuff.

2:31 AM

Wednesday, September 2, 2009,

SO....

It's been a while since I've updated this. Mainly because I've been busy with the evil entity that is college lol. It hasn't even been two full weeks and I'm already impatiently waiting for winter vacation.

It's also kind of because I recently got a tumblr and I log into that a lot more than I do here. But I write completely different things on that because...well people I know are following me and I can't really say everything I want. Which is kind of not cool because they're my friends so they should know stuff right? But if they knew certain things I might have to kill them ahaha.

Anywho. I'm just updating this because I know it's been a while. I should probably get back to my work. I'll be back later. I have some stuff that I wrote during school that I want to post, but my folder is too far away right now.

Oh! I can't believe it's been two whole weeks since my concert. Time has gone by incredibly fast, and I miss my boys more than I ever thought was possible.

5:21 PM

Friday, August 21, 2009,

THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, AND THE BOYS WHO MADE IT THAT WAY. 8/19/09 <3

Okay so.

Here begins the story of what might quite possibly be the best night of my life, and the moments that led up to it.

If any person were to tell me a year ago that I would have been going to a Jonas brothers concert and meeting them I would have laughed in their face. I would have called them crazy and walked away. Who would have known that I would be sitting technically 6 rows away from them dancing along and singing to every song?

Hm. What to talk about first? Oh yea, the fact that I have been counting down this day since March 23rd when I actually bought the tickets is pretty serious lol. Five months seemed like an eternity that was never going to come. I was debating whether or not to get a Team Jonas account because I wasn't sure if the extra bucks was worth it. But when I saw that Section 3 floor ticket I knew right then and there that it was a good idea.

So yea anyway. Along with the territory that comes with being a Jonas fan are the haters and people who criticize and make fun of you. They joke around and call you a child because you like a group who was formed through Disney. Okay sure then. If liking something/someone who makes you happy in ways that you can't even describe makes you a child...then sign me up for elementary school!

Nobody is probably even gonna read this because wow I'm writing a freaking book and I haven't gotten to the concert details yet lol. Oh well. But tonight was seriously one of the most amazing nights of my life and I'll definitely remember it forever. So here's what happened...

I got the meet and greet through a random drawing from Team Jonas on monday, and I wasn't even expecting to win. Sure, I'd been praying and hoping and dreaming that I would win, but I learn not to get my hopes too high for anything because then you just set yourself up to be let down big time. I was freaking out all day and constantly checking my email to see if I got the message saying I won. Finally, at 3:57 pm on Monday, August 17 while heading to Pollo Tropical to get something to eat with my mom, I got the long-awaited email.

"Congratulations! You've won a Meet & Greet pass for the following Jonas Brothers Concert."

...talk about smiling from ear to ear. I'm pretty sure my voice went so high that it was a frequency that only dogs could hear lol. So of course I'm impatiently waiting even more for the show to come.

I spent the night at my best friend's house so we could make posters and have a pre-concert JB night. She fell asleep at 12:30...I fell asleep at 4:30 ahahaha.

Had to wake up at 7 because I wanted to get my hair done. Went to the place and found out that they were closed until the 25th...freaking losers.

So we head back to her house and do foolishness and finish up posters.

Oh hey twitter update from the boys saying there's a Road Dogs game. What? No address? Fine. Then we'll drive to Dolphin Stadium and find you. Turns out the game was all the way in Boca. Fail boys, fail.

Whatever. Drive around some more to search for them and decide to head back home to get ready. By this time it's almost 1 and our friend was already headed to Bank Atlantic Center.

We get to her house and my friend goes straight to bed and knocks out until 3:15. So we rush to get dressed, fix our hair, take pre concert pictures and head to the venue.

Got to the venue around....4:30ish? Something like that idk. Go sign the Verizon bus and blah de blah. I ran into Hannah who was still looking for tickets! [who ended up getting almost better seats than mine lol]

We bought our merch and went back to sit in the car because it was WAY too hot outside and I wanted my hair at least half decent when I met the boys. Stupid Florida humidity.

So we got to the line at 5:30 like the email said and waited an hour until the doors opened. They separated people by the color of their passes, which were apparently different. I had a pink pass, and everyone with the pink pass lined up first and went inside the building. Everyone else had to wait longer. I don't know what the difference was, but I wasn't complaining.

While we're waiting to go up the escalator the Wonder Girls walk by and go up the elevator. They're so adorable and they flashed their little peace signs and stuff. I love them.

I'm in the middle of talking to my friend Angid who won a meet and greet as well, and all of a sudden I see Mike [The Commish] and was like "hey that's Mike!!...and Jordana?" Lol he was bringing her and her mom up the escalator before us. I was kind of confused but it was cool.

A little while later we head up the escalator and start walking the super LONG walk to the room. We were turning corners that I never thought would end lol. Angid is like freaking out the whole way there. She's so cute lol. When we were close to the room we like saw Big Rob through the open door and kind of freaked just a little. I mean...it's Big Rob. What else would you do?

We kept walking and finally got to the doors where people were waiting, and I run into Jordana and her mom and stopped to talk to her and ask how she was and why she was walking with Mike lol blah blah blah. Angid totally didn't notice that I stopped walking and I lost her. We both started to freak cuz I promised I could be next to her in line. I wanted to look for her, but the line was going wayyyyy too far back lol and I was basically in the front of the line :).

The doors open and I walk in with Jordana and her mom [who are both super nice btw] and then we get led to the rest of the people waiting. I'm like frantically looking at the door to find Angid. I went up to the security lady and put on a sad, scared voice and was like "excuse me, my sister and I got separated when we were coming in so can she come with me when she gets in?" And the lady was like "yea sure no problem!"

So that problem was solved lol. Angid saw me and basically gave a huge sigh of relief lol. The people behind us were being all stank and complained that she joined me, but I was like it's one person and she's family so uh...thanks. :D

Anyway...blah blah blah we wait in line for like 15 minutes? Idk. Time just went so fast, but I know it was almost time for the show to start. I wanted to save my pass so I took it off and put it in my bag because I also didn't want it to show in my picture.

We finally get up and Jordana goes first, then Angid, and then finally me. I go up to the curtains and wait until Angid finished to go in. The guy lets me in and to my left I see the lovely Rob Hoffman with his big camera, and Big Rob next to him all blinged out in a thick gold chain. ahaha I love him. And lo and behold to my right....there they are. The Jonas Brothers.

Kevin looks at me and smiles real big and says "Hey I'm Kevin it's nice to see you!" and he hold out his hand for a handshake, but I just went in for the hug. :) I can't play when it comes to hugging Kevin fracking Jonas.

Then I walked over to Nick and he had his arms open and was like "hey I'm so glad you could make it, la de da de da." I can't remember everything he said because he said quite a bit. Totally caught me off guard. That and his perfect skin. It REALLY is as flawless as it looks. If not better. And like while I was giving him a hug he was still sort of talking, so he said the last half of his mumblings into my ear. Lovely. Really. I wanted to die. Just. asflkhgrsbg.

Then I got to Joe. Totally just like stopped in my tracks for a second because I looked in his eyes. They were doing a nice brownish-goldish-lovelyish thing and I froze. Then I smiled and said hi. He was like "hey how are you?" and gave me a hug. He looked kind of tired though, but was still so sweet. I love him. I hope he's getting enough rest.

And Kevin was then like "alright let's take this picture!" So they all spaced out so I could choose where to stand. Naturally I stand next to Kevin. So they scootch back in and I put my arms around Nick and Kevin's waist...[eep]. Rob is like ready...1..2..3. And that was it. Kevin, being the sweetheart that he is was like "It was so nice to see you, and I hope you enjoy the show." I smiled and said thank you and I will, then I left.

There was this guy who was collecting the passes, but mine was in my bag so he said it was cool I could keep it :D. Jordana and Angid were standing out waiting for me and talking to Mike. So I walked up and hug Angid because she started tearing up. I love her lol. Then blah blah blah keep talking to Mike. We each get a picture with him and get ready to leave, so we walk out the doors. But Jordana was still in there and wanted another picture so she tried to call me back in. When I tried to go the guy at the door blocked me and said I couldn't go back in once I leave. So I quit trying. But then she was just like come on so I walked in and the guy like freaked. But then Mike was like it's okay she's with me, and mr. macho door man backed down very fast lol. So yea I took the picture, we said goodbye and thank you oh so much and head down to everyone else.

Oh! When we were heading out I was the first one to noticed Ned walking in the room. I was like "hey that looks like Ned....NED!!" And Jordana said something to him and asked for a picture, but he came up with some lame excuse so he didn't have to take it. Oh ned. Just suck it up and take a stupid picture. It's not gonna kill you. I almost didn't recognize him without his huge bullhorn though haha. That's why I had to question myself lol.

Those two were freaking out and I was just calm as ever. It didn't hit me that I just met the Jonas Brothers. The boys that I see on my tv every week. The ones in my room. The ones whose music just makes you so happy that you want to dance. I was just walking and smiling...I did feel like kicking myself though because I had so much I wanted to say to them but my brain froze and forgot to form words. All I could do was nod, smile, and say hello lol.

So whatever. I meet back up with Feli and we head to our seats. The stage is HUGE and amazing and it gave me goosebumps. Like...that thing is insane. It was worth the money that I had to pay for it. It was finally here. The day we'd been waiting for for five months.

Feli and I find out where our seats are located, which turned out to be SO MUCH better than what we expected. We knew we were close to the catwalk...but goodness that was close. The old lady who was doing the seating in our section was really grumpy and pushy. Like we told her we were walking our friend to her seat, but the lady was like "no these are your seats and you have to stay here!" I was like psssh. Like she was saying it like she was scolding us or something. Chill out lady. This is a Jonas concert. Be happy. Then we walked Angid back to her seat, give her a hug, and head back up to where we were.

It still hadn't fully sank in that I was actually there. But anyway. The rows and seats were still really clear, so me and Feli try to get closer to the stage slowly. By the time honor society came on we were up by the barricades. I wasn't too crazy about Honor Society and I only liked a couple of their songs, but they rocked it. Like they're so so good live and they're just so adorable...minus Alex. He's just hot haha.

When it came time for them to sing See U in the Dark I'm pretty sure I was the only one in my section doing the honor roll. Feli was looking at me like I was kind of crazy, and the mom next to me was just there. Shoot. I didn't even care. And during their whole performance I was like reaching out to try and get Michael's or anyone's attention, so I apologized to the mom who was next to me. I was like "I'm sorry if I'm reaching over you, I'm just really excited!" And she just laughed and said she was there with her kid and it was totally okay.

I realize I did a lot of apologizing to parents hahaha. Whatever.

Anyway, when Honor Society was done and they started setting up for Wonder Girls, the same mean old snobby grandma security seating lady went up to the security next to the stage and told them not to let people get so close. So we had to go back to our seats. Boo for her. So we stayed in our seats during Wonder Girls, Jordin, and most of Jonas.

Oh. The Wonder Girls are way too adorable, and they can really perform well! They were really enjoying themselves and you wouldn't expect those huge voices to come out of such little people lol.

While they were setting up for Jonas I made eye contact with the security guy in front of me and started talking to him. The whole night he was just standing there looking like he had eaten a bunch of lemons. So I motioned out to tell him to smile. And he was like why. I said because he looks so sad and angry and then I made a huge smiley face and he laughed and smiled too. So then I gave him a thumbs up and told him that was much better lol.

Oh! And before Jonas came out I was sitting and talking to Feli when I see Rob Hoffman come walking out. Not too many people knew who he was, but I just stopped talking and was like holy crap it's Rob Hoffman! [I don't know why I was like surprised to see him, because I saw him earlier when he took my picture with Jonas lol] But yea, he like came from under the stage and sat RIGHT in front of where we were standing for Honor Society. I wanted to go up to him and ask for a picture, but he was busy on Twitter lol and the security guy on my right was not a happy camper. He came complete with ear plugs and a big frown. When I finally got up the courage to get up and ask Rob for a picture the lights went down. Psssh forget Rob, my babies are about to come on.

We Will Rock You starts to play and it's amazing. There was smoke everywhere and it got pitch black. I saw the horns get into place right in front of us and they were rocking out lol. I managed to get a shot of Rob with his beautiful camera before the lights went on and all my focus was on the boys.

I hit Felicia next to me and we both like did a little excited squee because they were finally here! The first song was Paranoid and we were, indeed freaking out haha. :)

Now I don't remember every little detail of this part because there was just SO much going on and so much to take in. I have it all in my head, but it would be too much to type out. So I'll just say the more important parts lol.

During the introduction the horns were looking out at people and pointing to them and stuff, but people were all going so crazy so I wasn't expecting to get their attention. All I did was smile and hold up my hand with the 'I love you' sign in sign language while looking directly at them. Miguel, who loves pointing and nodding at people, and Ray with his awesome long hair did the sign back at me, and Miguel pointed and nodded at me of course lol. Garrett was off in his own trombone-playing world haha. And may I just say right now...I don't know how old they are, but Miguel is pretty fun to look at if you know what I mean lol ;)

The whole night I kept trying to get Garbo's attention, but I never got it :(. Shoot I don't care though because he was still looking quite gorgeous and peanut free. He got really close a lot of times though. I love how he walks around and just owns the stage with his lovely bass playing.

Ryan didn't like my side at all. Like he only came across about once with his keytar and then just stayed on the other side. Boo you Ryan.

I made a sign for Christa, and when she finally came over to my section I quickly got it out and held it up for her. At first she didn't see it because she was looking somewhere else, but then she noticed and smiled at me and started playing her guitar to me for a little. :D Later when she came back over with her violin, I held up the sign again just to be sure she saw it, and she smiled even bigger and pointed her violin bow at me and played that to me as well. We sang together for a little while and when she pointed her bow, I smiled and mouthed 'thank you' to her. And every time she would come over to our section she looked at me for a second.

[I had sent her a message a couple days before the show thanking her for her blog and blah blah and told her to look out for me and what i'd be wearing...well she found me lol]

I wasn't able to get Caroline's attention for too long but I think she did kind of smile at me. During Sweet Caroline she bent down to one of the mean looking security guys and nudged him and gave him a hug lol. It was so cute.

During Much Better when Joe was coming around on the stage, the girls in front of me had a sign that said 'Joe you're much better' and he smiled at them and said thank you. It was the cutest thing ever. Then he liked looked over in my direction and I smiled and waved and he winked and waved back. Needless to say, I pretty much died. I like grabbed Feli's shirt and told her that Joe just looked at me lol.

Jonas eye contact count: 1 down, two to go. :)

Ummm what else?

Oh! How could I forget? When it came time to read the signs we held ours up and as they are going around, Kevin noticed mine [it had 1 Timothy 4:12 on it] and he gave like a really sweet, amazing smile that basically melted me. The girl in front of me looked back to see what it said because she noticed too. According to Feli, when they were on the risers for Gotta Find You, she was like standing pretty much by herself because everyone rushed over to the catwalk. I told her to hold up the sign, and she said that there was one point that she was sure Kevin looked down and noticed the sign and smiled. Joe was looking around and trying to find signs, and he saw Feli's and it definitely caught his attention. He squinted and leaned forward and was like "what does that say? RITA'S?? Awesome!" And the same girl who looked back at me told Feli that she thinks he read her sign.

So yea. Our signs were a success. :) I tried to give it to them after the show, but it didn't work :| Oh well! lol.

Jonas eye contact count: 2 down...Jailbait to go ;)

I had kind of a hard time getting Nick's attention. Like he looks around a lot and you can never fully tell where he's looking because he gets all cute and squinty eyed. Like there were a couple times when I thought he saw me, but I wasn't so sure. But I did touch his hand when they were running around to say goodbye...which is where he almost got hit by a beach ball lol. But that boy [ WHO IS NOT 16] has very fast reflexes because before the ball even got close to him he ducked out of it. :D

There was a point in the show where Garbo and Nick walked down the catwalk together. Um. That was like the epitome of hot. I don't even know. Just. dkjfhgsakfghjhj.

And when Joe and Garbo went down for Year 3000, Garbo held up his bass and Joe hit the last line of the song. Btw I love the dance Joe does with the horns during that song. So so cute. Shoot. I love all the dances that the horns do because they're just so crunk ahahaha. :)

...If you're still reading this I commend you and thank you so much lmbo. I think I'm almost done, so just bear with me a little bit longer....and i'll be fiiiiine ;) Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Speaking of A Little Bit Longer, I loved it. I was hoping Nick would sing more of Black Keys because the 'don't let em get inside of your head' is my favorite favorite part. But anyway. I know that there's some people who like poke fun or whatever at Nick's speech...but I thought it was amazing. I always wanted to hear it, and it's just so awesome and inspirational. When he said he loves us from the bottom of his heart, I really do believe it.

Another loverly and long-awaited piano performance. The beauty and amazingosity that is Kevin Jonas playing Turn Right. Hold on while I die a second. He just plays it so passionately and he gets so into it. Like you can see he's putting his all into it, all while still being very gentle with the keys. I don't know how to describe it. But it's amazing. He closes his eyes and lets himself get into the music. Gah. I love Kevin.

Speaking of Kevin.

Let us pause.

And reflect.

On the BEAUTY that was Lovebug. Holy sdfk;hajsdgfkdhfgerfkgh. Oh my goodness. I literally just got goosebumps thinking about it. I wasn't sure when that song was going to be played, but I had heard that his little skit in the intro was to die for. I just didn't realize how amazing and sdafhkgrsfiyg. Excuse me while I have a seizure. I'm seriously getting goosebumps thinking about it again.

When I saw Kevin pop out from the stage with his white raincoat and umbrella, I can't even explain how FAST I RUSHED back over to the catwalk. I climbed back two rows of seats and was standing right next to it. The only thing separating me was a security guy who was being a little sour puss to the girls behind me. He was like warning them to move back from the stage because the water was gonna come out and blah blah blah. I looked at him and was like "Now you know you like the water. It must feel nice, cold, and refreshing after being pressed up by all these people." He laughed and was like yea you're right...after that point me and him became bff's.

BACK TO KEVIN. The faces he was making and just everything that he was doing in the beginning of that. I'm telling you I almost forgot to breathe. I was just so close to him and just....gah. It was amazing. And when he put the umbrella away and parted the water. And then went in. And he pointed to the stage when he song started. And then walked back and took off his raincoat. sdfahgdkfghfilrugh. I love him. There's nothing else to it.

That song was so amazing. My bff the security guy asked if I was just a little too big to know all the words to the song. I just laughed and said "NOPE! I'm just 19 so it's okay." And he was like alright alright I'm just asking is all.

Oh! And Joe. Walking in through the water. In his black wife beater. A COUPLE INCHES FROM MY FACE. hjlgdfklhdjskhgj. I'm shaking right now. Ugh. I just love them.

Oh yea. THE INTRO TO TONIGHT WAS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD!! It got me SO hype!

They sang a part of Black Eyed Peas' "I Got A Feeling" and then led it into Tonight. I absolutely love that song. It was like the theme song of the day for real. AND JOE HIT HIS HIGH NOTE/YELL IN TONIGHT!! I was so proud of him. It was amazing.

Battlefield was great. And Jordin's hair changed really quick hahaha. I saw Jack!! I was disappointed cuz I could barely see him from where I was except when his part of the stage rose up and stuff. But he was walking around with the drum during battlefield. It made me happy.

AND HOLY GINGER SNAPS AT NICHOLAS JERRY JONAS ON THE DRUMS DURING BATTLEFIELD!! That boy will put me in a coma. He was SO into it. Like. He looked mad at the poor instrument. He was just getting into it. Like he was coming out of the seat at times. Even though I just saw his back and what was on the screen of him. I basically died. Here come those goosebumps again. Omg. I don't even know what to say. Just. jhlewgflmsdhfg. And Kevin in the beginning of that was perfect too. Like he made suck a rockstar stance with his guitar. It was so hot. I got a blurry picture of him doing it that will never be deleted.

I almost missed the SOS dance! I had wanted to get it on video, but I was so into the song I didn't have my camera ready in time. But I did see it! Like I sang the lines that lead up to it and I hit Feli in back of me and was like "omg the sos dance is coming holy crap!" And as soon as I spotted Kevin, who just happened to be at my side of the stage. BAM! There it was. The SOS dance in all its beauty. <3

Joe kind of beat boxed during Burnin' Up. Not gonna lie. Pretty hot. Lol. I did the fist pump that nick always does during the song with him. I've always wanted to do that :) Like....you know the part. Dun na na, dun na na, dun na na NA! :)

Gah. There's just so much to mention. This is basically now just for me because I'm positive nobody will read this far. I've written a novel and a half. Whatever.

Everything was seriously just so amazing. World War III was perfect. Everything was just perfect. Nick and Joe landed all their flips during Much Better. Kevin was rocking out like his life depended on it. He seriously puts on SUCH a great performance. Anyone who says Kevin sucks or is ugly or blah blah whatever has to have some screws loose. He is gorgeous and so precious and awesome and breathtaking. All of the boys are. There were a couple times during Lovebug when I was by the stage feeling the sprinkles from the water that I thought to myself. I couldn't believe any of this was actually happening. They were so close to me. Right in my face. Singing the songs that I love and listen to when I need to cheer up.

Everything is just so surreal. Like there are times when everything just hits me. It didn't kick in fully at the show. I was too busy enjoying everything that was in front of my face and was trying to save every little detail in my memory. I wasn't shaking. I wasn't going crazy teenie obsessive. I wasn't crying or screaming too much. I was just having fun and enjoying myself. Enjoying the atmosphere and the wonderful energy around me. Enjoying the company of three wonderful, perfectly imperfect, normal boys from New Jersey who are just living out their dreams and never ever fail to put a smile on my face.

Things have finally kicked in, but I still don't think it's at its full effect. Like I just keep saying to myself that I did it. I got through the summer and got past the drama. I made it through almost a whole year and a very stressful school year. I saw AND MET the Jonas brothers. Something that I never ever thought would happen.

This was seriously the best night of my life. I don't know how many times I can say that because it really was. I can't remember the last time where I was so happy. It actually feels kind of overwhelming in a way. Like. All of a sudden there's just this rush and a high that just feels so good you can't help but smile. This is going to sound weird, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think about everything that happened. It's just sooo awesome. I look at my meet and greet picture which turned out WAY better than I expected and I smile. It literally brings happy tears to my eyes.

I don't care anymore what anyone has to say about me liking the boys. They can make fun, laugh, call me crazy or whatever they feel like. That person poking fun and having their little laughs will never make me feel as happy in years of trying to do so than I felt at the show and especially now after the show. People ask why I'm a fan and stuff. But I can only explain so much. Only Jonas fans can really understand what goes on and why we feel this way.

I am just SO thankful for everything, and every time I stop to think about it I just thank the Lord for allowing me to have such an amazing and stress free experience because I know He loves it when His children are happy. I know he was right there with me and is right there crying with me because everything was just so amazing.

Everyone's saying how lucky I was to win the meet and greet which because it's just a random drawing out of hundreds and hundred of people. But I don't think it's luck. As time got closer for the emails to be sent out I prayed the night before and said to the Lord that He knows the desires of my heart, and that if it's in His will that I would win and if I didn't then it wasn't the right time and I knew that I would eventually have another chance. And to be honest, when I woke up on Monday I just had a gut feeling that I would get it. And I did. And I know it was all because He knew how much it meant to me.

This has gotten entirely too long and emotional, so i'm going to stop. Especially since I can't really express how awesome and amazing and wonderful really was. My first Jonas concert...and my first REAL concert. I wouldn't change anything that happened...even my brain freeze during the M&G lol. If I could I would live the night over and over again.

<3

7:20 AM

Monday, August 3, 2009,

I'M NOT TOO SURE.....

It really sucks when you can't even describe how you're feeling. Like you obviously know it's not happy and it's not sad. But then what the heck is it?

Like. I feel so numb and frustrated right now and I don't really know why. Nothing seems to be helping right now. Rubber bands have popped. Ice has melted. Fingernails are stripped and bitten down to the edge.

I think I'm gonna go back to sleep. Things are better there. I don't have to be awake and feel like this. I should be happy though. I have an awesome concert coming up in less than three weeks, and I just wrapped up an awesome production at church. Maybe it's because of all this talk about school and picking classes and finding books that's adding to it. I mean. I really, really, really, REALLY don't want to go back. My GPA is all the way down to a 3.0 so I know if I slip up in just one class everything is screwed up and I probably lose my scholarship and even more privileges.

I still think it's stupid that I can't do a lot of stuff because of my grades from last semester. sdlkjfghsadlkfghjsfdjhg.

I don't know. I don't feel like thinking about this anymore either. I wish I could move away somewhere. Like New York or even Maryland. My sister told me she's moving there and if I wanted to I could move in with her. I would love to get a change of scenery and get away from it all. But I know that my mother would never allow it. I also barely even know my sister. So that probably wouldn't be a good idea. I don't know. Whatever.

I'm not making sense right now so I think I'll just stop. Listen to a couple songs. Then just fall asleep again. Hopefully for a really long time.

4:15 PM

Tuesday, July 28, 2009,

MUCH LIKE FALLING...

So I'm always looking for new music to listen to and download. The other day I decided to update my Flyleaf library because I know I don't have all their music. So I downloaded a few songs here and there and just finally got around to listening to the "new" stuff. I came across this song and I really like it. So I decided, heck...why not post it here. I mean I haven't updated in a while anyway and it's a pretty convenient song.

When I said good morning

I was lying

I was truly thinking of

How I might quit waking up

He pointed out how selfish

It would be to kill myself

So I keep waking up

It feels so much like falling

Dying while I wait to die

The fear of something or nothing

Lonely empty lie

I don't want to be here, lying

I don't want to be selfish anymore

I want so much to change

Learning your love everyday

There's still so much to know

You grip my wrists

I let go

It feels so much like falling

Separated from the fear

Aware of a destination far away from here

It feels so much like falling

Separated from the fear

Aware of a destination far from here

Far away from here

4:07 PM