So right now I'm feeling super numb.....and nothing good ever comes out of this feeling.

School is really starting to get to me and I don't know if I'll be able to keep this up much longer. I have two tests tomorrow and I don't think I'm ready for them. Everytime I sit down and try to study my mind strts wondering off and I'm not able to focus no matter how hard I try. I really just want this year to hurry up and be over so I can start off fresh. I honestly just want to quit school for a year and just relax and try to get my thoughts together. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life anymore and it's killing me. I mean.....my college doesn't even have my major so now what am I supposed to do? Sit around and take classes for something I'm not even interested in? *sigh* I really just need to get away.

Everyday I keep thinking back to last Wednesday when my youth pastor started talking about cutting. When those words were coming out of his mouth I felt like I was going to die.....like I was in a glass room with a big spotlight shining on me for all the world to see. It felt like a big sign was pointing to me saying HERE SHE IS! HERE'S THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! My best friend was sitting next to me and she's the only person I've told since I started again earlier this year and it just felt like she could hear my heart beating super fast and super loud.....I just felt so uncomfortable at that moment. My hands were getting sweaty and I was starting to shake. Heck.....I'm starting to shake right now just thinking about it. I honestly wanted to walk out the room because I just couldn't handle it. To hear my pastor talking about it nearly killed me.....especially since I wanted to speak to him about it before. Ha.....that's totally not gonna happen now.

I always seem to get nervous and uncomfortable when people bring up the subject. Like I can't make a complete sentence and I just start mumbling like an idiot. Either that or I'm just quiet as a mouse. I don't see how some people can just easily come right out and say how they used to cut themself.....it's like dude how can you be so open? Aren't you worried about how people are gonna see you? How can you just let people in your mind like that? I don't think I'll ever be able to openly tell people.....I mean when I told my friend, it was in a text message. Maybe a few years down the road it can be part of my testimony.....but as of right now.....I think I'll just keep it to myself.