A cut makes up for an unspoken story of that one person.

A cut is a beautiful thing.

And you,

You are a beautiful person."

So....I was on the To Write Love on Her Arms blog today and caught up on the couple blogs that I missed. This picture is from a secret that somebody sent in that was included in the blog, and the quote is what someone commented on it. Each of which, I have to say, are quite perfect. Sure some pictures may be worth a thousand words....but those few words the person left as a comment are probably worth a lot more. And I have to be honest, I've felt the exact way that the secret explained. It just felt so hypocritical. I'm wearing a TWLOHA shirt today and I'm proud to say that I'm not feeling that way today because there aren't any fresh cuts, even though it was pretty close to being some....but I'll get into that later.

Whenever I'm not in a good mood I like to look at old blogs from TWLOHA because Jamie just knows exactly what to say. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but the way he's just so honest and sincere with things always puts a smile on my face no matter what--even if it's only for a few seconds. Like you can tell when some people are trying hard to say something all deep and whatnot and it just comes out looking pretty foolish.....well that's not how it is with Jamie. Sometimes I don't even think he knows how many people he helps with his words. Anywho, I don't think I could have found that blog at a more perfect time.

Why do I say that?

Well because today is possibly one of the longest and hardest days to get through.

Again, why do I say that?

Well because today is December 4.

Ooookay so what's your point?

Hellooooo?! The 4th....as in July 4....as in the last time I've cut?! Which makes it 5 whole months since it's happened.

Yep that's right. It's been five long months. And it's always hardest to get through the day on the month anniversary or whatever the heck you want to call it. There's always something that seems to go wrong, or something that's extra stressful, or something that just gets on my nerves more than it normally would. Like last night.....well it was after midnight so I guess you can call it today.....alright well today I was feeling like total crap. Like woah. Like no amount of music or anything could make me feel happy. And I had no idea why. I was doing the dishes and boy let me tell you, was I ever tempted. Now when I say tempted I mean like woah, I couldn't even wash the flippin steak knife without thinking about it. Sure, I think about it pretty much every day but oh.my.goodness. it was crazy. It was something about the cool metal in my hands at the time that just had my mind spinning out of control with thoughts.

And when I was studying? Oh boy. That was hard too. Like I started to get that oh-so-familiar numb feeling again. Not good....at all. So I decided to take one of my pens and scratch imaginary lines all over my arm. Best feeling imaginary lines ever. Like it even left little red marks for a couple seconds and I just looked at them. Did I really wish it was more than that? Did I really wish that they would last longer than a few seconds? Did I really wish that the imaginary lines were real, stinging, piercing ones? Sadly, I did. So I decided I couldn't take studying anymore so I went and took a shower.

Oh yea, did I say it was almost 2 in the morning? Well yea.....it was almost 2 in the morning, my mom was sleeping, and I was going to take a shower. Ah well, I didn't care. I just needed to clear my head. I turned on the water to as hot as I could take it.....which is actually near scalding. Like, I had red spots all over by the time I got out because the water was just that hot. But honestly, I barely even felt it. I don't know. I'm a mess. And I totally just realized how long this thing is so I'm going to stop now because I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling.

But hey, that's what was going on inside my head for a little while last night/this morning.