Like. I wish that I'd be able to go to sleep tonight and then wake up and it could be Sunday January 4 all over again. Why do I wish it were Sunday? Because my computer crashed the very next day. Every thing was lost and I had to reconfigure the hard drive and reinstall the whole OS. SMH.
Pictures?
Gone.
Music?
Yep. Most of it is gone.
Videos?
Oh yea.....that's gone too.
And my mom had a LOT of important files saved on the hard drive too. Even though we have a 500 gigabyte external hard drive.....nope nothing was backed up. And you know what's so awesome? Yea. My mom pretty much blamed it on me. Blamed it on all the "weird" websites I keep going to. Mmhmm, because Facebook, Myspace, and YouTube are completely weird. Yep. I download every single thing from them and purposefully put malware on my computer. Yea. That's exactly what I do every time I come on the computer.
And you know what's bothering me the most though? I was able to get on the computer before it completely died on me. I could tell something was up with it. I had a chance to save my files. [[Because honestly the only thing I'm really mad about losing is all of my pictures. I could care less about the other stuff because I'm not a fan of school.]]
Anyway. Yea. I had a chance to save all my pictures. I was actually about to do it too but then I ended up not doing it because I was afraid whatever was wrong with my computer would spread to my flash drive if I plugged it in, and I told myself nothing too drastic was going to happen to the computer and our virus scanner would take away the problem. Little did I know, that was the last time my computer would work semi-properly and a couple hours later everything would be wiped away completely and sent to computer hell.
From that point on, my day got worse and worse. I already said my mom pretty much blamed the whole thing on me. So. You know. I obviously feel like a million bucks.
Or not.
Ever since Monday I've been practically wracking my brain trying to think of something I could have done differently, if only I knew what was going to happen. I'm not one to let go of things easily and I tend to let things bother me a lot even if I don't show it. Yea. This is one of those times. But I'm pretty sure I've been showing it. Oh well. Who gives a crap anymore.
Oh yea. Another thing that I would love to have done over.....or in this case not have done over. Well. I'll let you guess. Think back to the last time I updated a blog. What was it about again? Ah yes. That's right. My lovely little five month mark. Yea. Well. That's no longer. Sunday would have been six months but it's more like six days. And Monday. Oh, lovely lovely Monday. Well. Monday was day one all over again.
So as of now, it's been two whole days. And as you can tell it hasn't been an easy two days either. Especially since I started school again yesterday.....but that's another story. Let's just say I went to sleep much worse and a whole lot more unhappy than the day before. I've started to get those feelings again. You know the kind.
Well.
Maybe you don't.
You know, those feelings where you just can't fall asleep because your brain keeps telling you that you aren't happy.
Those feelings where you need to cut because it feels amazing.
Even though it doesn't.
Even though it leaves you shaking.
Even though it leaves your arm and/or leg stinging.
Making you regret every time you felt your skin rip open. But it's so hard to fight it. It helps so much. Even if it's just a few seconds when nothing else hurts and all you feel is relief. It's as though every thought has escaped your mind and a weight has been momentarily lifted off your shoulders.....only to crash back down much harder when you wake up and realize what you've done. You realize a small trace of red has snuck its way past the bandages onto your pillowcase and you hope no one will notice. You realize numerous bright red screams.....staring at you as you get dressed. You find yourself subconsciously pulling the sleeves of your shirt down because you feel as though everything is exposed. You find yourself sweating in the middle of the night because you have to sleep in a long sleeved shirt again until the redness goes away. You find yourself being careful how your bookbag is thrown over your shoulders and pray to God that nobody squeezes your arm because it still hurts and you know if you make a face they'll ask what's wrong.
Yea.
Those feelings.
This is why I wish life could be like a movie. If only I could go back to Sunday none of this would have happened. Or at least it wouldn't have been as bad.
I guess I'll have to just keep dreaming.