I spoke to my mom today about dropping my class. I was expecting the worst so I wasn't all too surprised with what happened. I'm surprised she asked me if I was on drugs or something, but I know that was probably her way of making a joke.....and plus she woke me up so of course I was going to be somewhat nonresponsive.

Anyway.....you know what I'm mad at? I'm mad at how I missed the perfect opportunity. What opportunity did I miss? Oh you know, the one to tell her that I am completely miserable in pretty much every aspect.....especially any and everything school related. She asked me if I even wanted to be in school. If I wanted to drop out or if I wanted to continue what I was doing. She asked me why I was acting so unmotivated and uninterested. She asked me if I even knew what I wanted to do with myself. If I knew what path I wanted to go down.

It was like the perfect open doorway to tell her every single thing. To tell her that I really did want to take a break from school for a while.....not completely drop out, just take a break. To tell her that I was acting so uninterested because I really am. That I'm not happy with where I am. That I just want to stop everything. But did I do it? Of course not because I suck at saying things out loud. I'm pretty sure my silence and wandering eyes after she asked me each question gave away every single answer, but of course I couldn't find a way to actually say anything.

I was yelling at myself in my head. Trying to force myself to open my mouth and just spit everything out and not keep anything hidden for once in a while. But I couldn't do it. It's just not me. I've just been keeping things in way too long for anything to change in the blink of an eye.....especially at 7 in the morning when I'm still half asleep.

So now I'm more confused than ever. I'm not sure if I want to drop my class anymore, and I knew talking to my mom about it would make that happen. I don't know why I waited until the last minute. I would have had a lot more time to think over the things my mom said. She said if I stick with it and keep the class that she'd try and help me through it. But then she also said that if I dropped the class then a lot of things would have to change and she's going to expect straight A's in every other class I'm taking this semester.

*sigh* I have so much to think about it's not even funny. I really just need to go back to sleep, though. Even if it's just for a couple more hours so I can get myself together. Because as of right now, I'm a bigger mess than I have been in a while. I really need to just clear my head. I know sleeping won't do anything because as soon as I wake up every single problem is going to be right there waiting for me. But at least I can get away for a while when I go to sleep. Nothing can bother me when I'm sleeping and I like it that way.

I've been thinking some crazy things lately, but I know that I would never ever act upon my thoughts. I'm not going to specify what it is because if it's not obvious, well then....I'd like to keep it that way. And if it is obvious, then whoever reads this.....just know that I'm not crazy and nothing is going to happen. I just have a crazy imagination is all. I've been thinking about people. And what I would say to them. Things I've been keeping in. Things that have been left unsaid. Just. Things.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. It's just what's on my mind right now. My mind moves hundreds of miles an hour and it barely ever stops to take a break. And I really need a break.

So I think I'm talking in circles now. I'm going to go back to sleep. It's too early for me to be conscious and sane at the same time. I have a lot on my plate for today.